27 Things You Shouldn’t Attempt While High
2. Go to the grocery store.
You will leave at least $50 poorer, and with nothing that could constitute a meal.
3. Try to figure out how to slice a pineapple.
The most impenetrable fruit of them all.
4. Attempt to bake cookies.
This is the fun activity you envision.
And this is what they’ll end up eating a pound and a half of and subsequently throwing up.
5. Design the ultimate weapon to wield in the zombie apocalypse.
This is not effective. Two out of three are close range.
6. Crack the mystery of human powered flight.
There are these things called planes. Just use those.
7. Call your parents.
Your parents will not be amused when you ask if the wrinkles on Gam-Gam’s face denote her age like rings on trees.
8. Try and pick your favorite nebula.
You think you might have seen evidence of a higher power, but you KNOW that you wasted the entire day.
9. Improvise an air freshener so your nonsmoking roommates don’t get mad at you.
There are some things you can never unsmell.
10. Attempt to craft.
This will only end in tears and hot glue burns.
11. Try and find that t-shirt you’re pretty sure the laundromat stole.
You’ll just end up wearing all your t-shirts at once.
12. Find a place to nap undisturbed.
Just because you can’t see them, doesn’t mean they can’t see you.
13. Visit any site with endless scrolling.
This is the rabbit hole. Do not go down it.
14. Try and figure out what this GIF is charting.
The elasticity of boobies* over time.
(*AKA the movement of wheels on a steam engine train)
15. Untangle your jewelry.
You’ll get halfway through before you realize that it’s actually all one necklace.
16. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
Nothing will fuck with your zen more than your rage-y work out music.
17. Shop for anything vintage on Etsy.
Worst $78 + shipping you’ll ever spend. Just because they’re from the 1920’s and ‘lovingly restored’ doesn’t mean they’re classy.
18. Dress your pet up in costumes.
They will plan your death. Also this should be a life rule.
19. Look at pictures of coral.
Like a million tiny anuses, close up coral will make your skin crawl.
20. Operate light machinery.
That extra zero makes a lot of difference.
21. Use photoshop.
Don’t make the internet any darker than it already is.
22. Join a food of the month club.
IT WILL NOT GET THERE FOR ANOTHER MONTH.
24. Sell your shitty broken stuff to make more weed money.
You can’t just add the word upcycled in front of things to make them worth money.
26. Watch the episode of “Futurama” where Seymour dies waiting for Fry to come home.
That episode destroys sober me, I can’t imagine what it would do to high me.
27. And finally: Respond to work emails.
Everyone will have a reason to cry.