1. Keep people you’re not crazy about “on the back burner.”
Hoarding is GREEDY. Let them find their true loves.
3. Be “nice” by constantly agreeing.
Have an opinion, damnit! Otherwise, you’re likely a liar or an idiot.
5. Try some negging.
You’re not smooth. You’re an asshole.
Cyanide and Happiness by Kris Wilson, Rob DenBleyker, Matt Melvin and Dave McElfatrick.
6. Wait an arbitrary number of days for post-date contact.
Follow your bliss, people. The “rules” are for dunces.
7. Check your phone for “work emergencies” during a date.
Art by Dan Piraro
9. Get creative with the details in your online profile.
She TOTALLY won’t notice.
11. Make fake future plans you have no intention of keeping.
If you’re not into it, just be nice. There’s no need to plant false seeds of expectation.
12. Kiss and run.
It’s pretty simple. If you don’t like someone, don’t kiss them. Spare them the agony and the confusion.
13. Date only while under the influence.
Alcohol is a great social lubricant, but if you can’t sustain a date without drinking, you’re probably better off with someone else.
14. Subject your date to your standup routine.
There are mirrors for that.
15. Strategically plan dates that show off your secret talents.
16. Come out of the woodwork after complete radio silence.
You weren’t interested before? SUCKS FOR YOU.
18. Lie whenever it seems convenient.
Dating is hard. Keep it real, people.