You read about him.
The German fairy tale about a boy who doesn’t cut his finger nails so they attack him in his sleep.
Because you know this would never really be an option.
4. You love Leberkäse.
Because it is just a biiiiigggg slab of bologna.
5. You eat this purple stuff.
Shh, don’t worry about it. It is just red herring salad. NBD.
6. You love any kind of cream sauce.
Your friends might say it looks creepy. Tell them they’re creepy.
7. Your parents seemed to find the only German butcher in your area.
Of which there are like, what, two in America? Their meat ist sehr gut.
8. You own a lint roller and an iron because your parents wouldn’t let you move into your new apartment without either.
Because what are you, a barbarian?
9. You know how much Germans love the wilderness.
UGH, MOM! NO.
10. You are the only one of your friends with a shoe polishing kit.
And they make fun of you for it.
11. You would NEVER have found one of these in your house. NOT EVER.
Your mother cleans under the couch twice a day.
12. You know all about German’s illogical fear of mold.
You must open the window after you shower or suffer the consequences.
14. You were overly prepared for any form of weather as a child.
And are now terrified of being too hot, too cold, not having an umbrella, and not having your flare and first aid kit on hand.
15. You also had way too much sunscreen on your face as a child.
16. But let’s be serious, you have the best posture.
Balancing books on your head is not for the faint-hearted.
17. And the best table manners.
There may or may not have been oranges underneath your armpits at dinner time so you wouldn’t push your elbows out too far.
18. You know that December 1st means it is time for your advent calendar.
Your parents still send one to you and you eat it all in one sitting because you’re an adult now and you don’t have to wait.
19. You get to open your presents on Christmas Eve.
All your friends have to wait till Christmas morning, SUCKAS.
20. You put your shoes outside your door before Christmas for the shoe elves to put candy in them.
That’s right, ELVES that put CANDY in your shoes.