Rich Kids of Beverly Hills Recap: This Is Our New Favorite Show

I'm in no way ashamed of the fact that Rich Kids of Beverly Hills is my favorite show in existence right now. They basically could've scientifically tried to construct a reality show Frankenstein using fragments of The Hills, Real Housewives and the Kardashians and it would still not be as good as RKOBH. 

I don't care that it's getting shitty reviews from haters all over the internet. That's the whole reason a show like this exists, and those who hate on it are completely missing the point. 

Before we get into the characters, let's talk about the actual show. Don't get me started on the fake texts and status updates with the amazing grammar. Like their actual texts to each other are clearly not complete sentences with puns such as “do you want to come with me on a chandelicious excursion?” More likely their convos are a series of “omg sooo hungover” texts and autocorrects of fucking to ducking. No one sends such enthusiastic texts with full sentences unless you're not actually friends with someone. And I love when something happens on the show and then it shows up on instagram in real time in a fucking magical way. Like Roxy is at the dentist on my TV and then I get distracted and check instagram and THERE SHE IS at the dentist on my instagram and it's basically deja vu/brain washing.

That said, their analysis of instagram has Freudian levels of depth to it.

“Our instagram from last night got 446 likes, in 17 hours.”

“The caption's the most important part….are we gonna do Twitter and Facebook….wow we're really committing to this photo.”

“So if you put a photo up, you better commit to them…you are MARRIED to that photo, because if you put it up for 30 seconds and delete it, I've already seen that photo” (This is very true.)

“Omg it's so embarrassing to be the first like” (Sometimes true.)

So let's talk about the episode. We're five weeks into the show and now that we've established that the kids are rich, the theme of last night was pretending to give a shit about making your own money. Except Morgan, whose day is filled with the sound of her own voice. “I love writing…it's the only thing I'm good at. Speaking, being charismatic, and making people laugh are the only skill set that I have.” Okay Morgan that's like four totally different skill sets. Props for being self-aware enough to not include counting in your very specific set of skills.

Anyway, Morgan seems to be the only one whose watched a reality show before because she's the one who understands that this show IS her job and there will likely be no need to get another, ever. “A typical day for me is very lackluster…I wake up, have cottage cheese with 6 nectarines, then I have 2 waters, legitimately, drink my coffee and shit. I do not leave the house until I shit. Then I usually go spinning around 12:30. Then I drive around aimlessly, I pop into stores, and talking…I'm always talking.” Sounds like my life for the past three years (especially the 6 nectarines). Trust us Morgan, don't worry about your friends having fake jobs, just stick to blogging because it's the only career path that will allow you to keep this schedule and like, I would actually read your blog.

On the other hand, I really don't understand why real estate is an appealing career for someone like Dorothy. I can't believe she actually took a test to get a real estate license when you could do literally anything. You're choosing to do actual work over fun shit such as interior decorating or starting your own jewelry line or like, going spinning a lot. The only reason I would ever buy a house from Dorothy Wang is so I could tell people the story of doing so. That said, I actually could see Dorothy being successful at this. “If The Agency wants access to the wealthy elite Chinese market, I definitely think I'm their go to-girl.”

Roxy is personally my favorite because she comes off as slightly less obnoxious than Morgan and Dorothy and is prettier and has a job I would actually want to do. And we have a similar phone case. However I can't believe she doesn't know who Liberace is. Does she not have HBO? She goes from not knowing who Liberace is to being his secret soul sister in 60 seconds. I also love when she says something ridiculous in her interviews and then clearly the producers or people behind the camera are laughing or rolling their eyes because then she gets all like, “What? Did I say something stupid again??”

“I think he's a rabbi, but I'm not totally sure, I just call him rabbi, and he's closed on Saturdays and early on Fridays for Shabbat so I kind of think maybe he is…he has the whole beard thing.”

“Lychee Lou used to eat these bully sticks every night to go to bed…and I found out that they were made of penis, so she ate one penis a night for her entire life!” So your dog has the same life as a prostitute.

“Poor Baguette's puffy vagina” …things literally only heard on this show.

The one thing that could improve RKOBH would be if the boys were a little more entertaining. Cooper's hot but clearly only there as a potential (scripted) Dorothy love interest. The gay BFFs are funny and should be around more just for comic relief, especially EJ. As for Brendan, his expressions pretty much alternate between being bored and being whipped. 

“You should write more, you touch people with your words” hahahah Brendan's clearly never read his girlfriend's blog.

Morgan: I feel like your last name has a lot of charisma that would go with my personality…
Brendan: Sounds great.

E! is so trying to make Brendan and Morgan the new Spencer and Heidi. I predict by the end of the season they're gonna be totally isolated from their friends and basically married and Morgan's going to slowly transform into a giant blob of silicone. We can't fucking wait.

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