The Betches’ Guide to College Majors
Choosing your major is an important decision every college betch has to make at some point and just like your going out outfit, you don’t want to choose the wrong one and end up having to switch a bunch of times. Like I’m all for being happy and doing what you love and singing Kumbaya in a circle with daisies but you don’t really want to play Goldilocks and the Three Bears with your future because being that super super senior who still goes to her sorority date parties despite being 24 is not the move.
Thankfully with our guide you won’t have to worry about what the fuck to do with a degree in Women’s Studies (answer: nothing), or like study for a test.
The Business School: You’ll probably make bank and if you become the next Wolf of Wall Street I’d better be invited to your cocaine and stripper parties. However, this major is special in that is simultaneously extremely unbetchy. We realize this makes little to no sense. See below.
English/Creative Writing: Essentially you got a degree in pot smoking and storytelling. Sure, there might be a lot of “required reading” but as long as you’re able to come up with shit on the fly like, “this is actually a metaphor for the plight of the human condition” and, “the use of iambic pentameter allows the form of the poem to echo the content,” you’re on the fast track to an A. Downside is even though you earned a BA, all potential employers will see is BS so finding a job will be like finding the Holy Grail, but hey, there’s always freelance blogging.
Art History: Memorizing sucks but your study abroad potential is extremely on point. You’ll probably spend at least one semester, probably three, drunkenly wandering the streets of some old European city while hemorrhaging money and pretending to care about the architecture of 5 billion churches.
Chemistry: This would have made the un-betchy list if it weren’t for Walter White.
Anthropology: Unfortunately there is a lab component but it’s basically looking at skulls and making shit up about hypothetical people based on things like how far their eyebrows stuck out and whether or not they had a fivehead. It’s just science-y sounding enough to seem legit, without actually requiring you to balance equations or dissect shit. I could be wrong about that though since I only got up to Anthro 201.
The Business School: You just signed away your soul. Good luck with those 80 hour work weeks and becoming incredibly fucking boring.
Women’s Studies: Even if you’re actually reasonable, guys will think you’re a feminazi who writes for Jezebel and they will at best be scared of you and at worst be openly hostile.
Pre-med: Three words: loans on loans on loans. Also, Orgo, why? I can’t even commit to what I’m having for lunch, how can you commit the next 7 years of your life?
M.R.S.: There’s casually finding a hot rich pro to marry once you’ve got your shit together, and then there’s shacking up with any rando who’ll put a ring on it and pay for your juice cleanses. You know Desperate Housewives is just a show, right?
Liberal Arts: I literally don’t even know what this means.
Undecided: Get your shit together.
Psychology: One of my friends worked in a psych lab where she gave cocaine to ferrets, but like ehh work and ehh ferrets.
Film Studies: It is pretty cool that you get to watch movies for four years but no one’s going to go see one with you ever.
Political Science: Law School: at best a gamble and at worst a complete scam. What, like it's hard?